


You forfeited the right to ask how I am

by ImplicationsProblematic



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Kaidan realising he's been an idiot, Reconciliation, Shenko - Freeform, Shepard's hearing, pre-ME3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:43:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImplicationsProblematic/pseuds/ImplicationsProblematic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Called as a character witness for Shepard's defense following her return to Earth, Kaidan realises quite how wrong he's been and persuades Anderson to let him visit her. It doesn't go well.</p><p>Rated M to be super safe about the language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in the first upload.  
> I feel like this one might have dragged a bit and I need need to cut half my sentences down by 50%. Oh, and stop using italics ALL the time.  
> Anyway, I tried.

"I need to see her"  
The two young corporals turned in their seats before the desk, and stared, unabashed, at the bizarre interruption to their meeting. It was bad form to gawp so incredulously at a superior officer— but he had made quite the entrance; agitated, almost out of breath, bursting into an Admiral's office uninvited and unannounced. Kaidan ignored them, the entirety of his attention fixed on Anderson who said nothing, but stared back, his gaze weighty and unfathomable. Really, he should have torn Kaidan a new one for his behaviour, utterly unbecoming of his rank— but he didn't. Anderson simply continued to assess him, a glimmer of something like a challenge in his eyes. Kaidan swallowed hard and squared his shoulders reflexively. This seemed to meet an unspoken criteria; Anderson's strong jaw jerked in a fraction of a nod.   
"Gentlemen we'll pick this up tomorrow." said the Admiral. When the corporals remained in their seats, he spoke again, terser this time. "You are dismissed." The young marines gave messy salutes as they scurried from the room, unsure what was happening, but certain they didn’t want to be involved.

“Have a seat, Major.” Anderson gestured to the recently vacated chairs, and sighed when he remained by the door. “Kaidan,” with titles dropped, his voice was softer “Sit.”

He didn’t want to sit. He wanted to be doing something, _anything_ to figure out what the Hell Shepard was playing at— but he acquiesced all the same. Reaching into a drawer, Anderson produced a bottle of whiskey and soon slid a decanter of the amber liquid across the desk. He extended a hand to accept it, but left the glass on the desk, fidgeting in his chair as the admiral took a sip from his own. Tired eyes appraised him sagely over the crystal, watching for something Kaidan didn’t have the focus to identify. When Anderson set his glass down and sat back with another sigh, he took it as permission to speak.

“What is she doing?” the words came out more earnest than he’d intended, with a shadow of something like desperation playing at the edges. The Admiral’s gaze dropped to the desk and hardened as he thought for a moment— he didn’t need to ask who Kaidan was referring to. This wasn’t the first time they’d sat together with a silent _‘She’_ hanging over them.

——

The first had been after Alchera and many more had followed; Anderson had seen him at his rawest— and his numbest. Right up until Kaidan had been cleared for service and thrown himself into any and every mission the brass would give him. The worse the odds were, the better— someone had to do it. Why not him? What was he coming back to? What did it matter if he didn’t come back at all? But then the second— or was it the third?— time he woke up in hospital with more wires in his torso than a Geth trooper, Anderson had visited sporting the same air of grim exhaustion and concern he did now. The, then Councilor, _had_ torn into him that time— had thrown his _“suicidal disregard for protocol_ ” in the face of his exemplary mission success, had pointed out just how warped that was from everything he knew Kaidan to be and— crucially— had demanded to know what he thought Shepard what say if she could see him like this.

That was too far and Anderson had known it. Collapsing into a chair between the various monitors, he’d apologised with a gruff sigh. It **had** been too much, but Kaidan had been unable to deny the truth of the question. They’d stayed silent for a while until at last Kaidan had ground out a whisper.

_“I don’t know how to do this… to be how I… any of it… without her.”_

And then of course then Anderson had given him that _look_. The one he got from his parents, his friends— anyone who knew what had happened, what he had and what he lost. It made him sick. He didn’t want their pity, but sometimes he didn’t know how to scrape through without it.

More silence had followed, Kaidan staring at the opposite wall and Anderson at his clenched hands. Eventually a doctor had appeared and said that visiting hours were nearly up. After thanking her, the councilor had announced, more to the room than to Kaidan, that he was having him assigned to a Terminus Colony. “ _Important work_ ”he had said and Kaidan hadn’t argued— hadn’t said anything at all. Later, he’d been able to rationalise the orders; not what he would have picked, but probably what he needed, though the admission pained him. Regardless, it was preferable to more enforced leave.

Anderson had been good to him. Kaidan had only spent a couple of weeks under his command on The Normandy before Shepard had… before the command had changed. And yet after the attack, Anderson had always gone out of his way to check in with him regularly in some small manner or other. In the short time Kaidan served under Anderson, he got the impression that the captain was the type to go the extra mile in aid of his subordinates’ welfare— and Kaidan was a better soldier than most. But he knew there was more to this than professional concern or duty of care. Shepard had told him that Anderson’s unit had been on Mindoir that day; too late to stop the attack, but in time to find a teenage Shepard—unconscious, brutalised and almost bled dry. He saved her life that day and stayed a part of it. When she told him she planned to enlist he’d tried to dissuade her, reasoning that she’d seen enough bloodshed. But he hadn’t tried for long. He knew Shepard had rare potential and Shepard had gone above and beyond it. She’d done things and saved lives that no one else could have— and yet, it was clear to Kaidan, even through his own grief, that Anderson wished he’d tried harder.

For two years, Shepard’s ghost had followed both men. But the Spectre haunting them had turned out to be less spectral than they’d thought.

The first thing he’d done after seeing Shepard on Horizon— once he’d been able to pick himself up from the floor of his prefab— had been to tear through space to see Anderson on the Citadel. He could barely think, barely stand— couldn’t comprehend the sick joke he seemed to have fallen into. He needed to tell him and needed someone who could explain, who would understand.

And after all that, Anderson had already known. _He’d known_. And said nothing ** _._ Done _nothing_. **

The revelation that the whole mess had been a set up was a fresh twist of the knife in his gut. Getting screwed over by The Illusive Man was one thing, but the Alliance’s part in it— _Anderson’s_ part in it… So he’d left, just left— had gotten the fuck out of that office as quickly as he could.

That was the last time they’d spoken until today, until Shepard’s trial.

————

Kaidan’s desperate question hung in the air.

“I…” Anderson sighed yet again, clearly at a loss. “I met her at the docks when she turned herself in and… I’ve never seen her like this…”

“After Mindoir and Akuze,” Kaidan started. “Was she…?”

“Like this?” Kaidan nodded. “No. After the raid… she grieved of course, but more than anything she was _determined_ and it made her stronger in some messed up way— and then after Akuze… Shepard was just angry… bar brawls, insubordination and blind fury. But she sorted her shit out in time, and again, it seemed to strengthen her even though it’d be enough to break anyone else.” Anderson paused to knock back his drink. “This time…”

“It’s like she’s just given up.” Kaidan said quietly.

————

Kaidan hadn’t been to see her in all the time since her return to Earth. In all likelihood, he wouldn’t have been able to, but he hadn’t even tried. He was a coward— he had no delusions on that front, he accepted it with the bitterness and self disdain that had characterised his last few months. But when the trial finally rolled around things were different. The summons to testify as a character witness left him with a hollow sort of ache. He was scared to see her again, of stirring up the pain he’d worked so hard to subdue into a numb sedation. And yet…

Now that he had no choice but to see her— now that it was definitely going to happen, regardless of his cowardice— he was almost… no, not quite… but…

God, it was all such a mess.

Kaidan’s feelings for Shepard were an intangible chaos he hadn’t had the courage to examine in months. That part of him was a cancerous wreck he worked tirelessly to contain in some dark corner of himself. It was insurmountable, unconquerable and if he let it out of that corner long enough to try and make sense of it, it would consume him. The confinement was hard won, but not air tight. Poisonous tendrils found their way through and coloured his world. He might be able to keep the mess restrained most days, but he had no respite from its presence.

—————

Shepard may have had Hackett and Anderson on her side, but that seemed to do nothing to soften the prosecution. The case against her was ruthless… vicious even. They tore into her like she was nothing— _less_ than nothing and not a brilliant soldier everyone in the room owed their life to. Her achievements, it seemed, were nothing to them.

And Shepard just sat there and took it. Shepard listened to their allegations and slander without protest; eyes down, speech dull and to the point.

_What was she doing?_

Kaidan’s feelings were warped and incomprehensible to him— and had been ever since Horizon. But, on the first day of the hearing, not one but _three_ revelations hit him like a truck.

First, this _was_ Shepard— the real Shepard, _his_ Shepard. Seeing her again, without the shock of Horizon and with the benefit of months of agonising introspection, there was no doubt in his mind. Even in the face of this thoroughly _un—Shepard_ behaviour, it was _her_ … gloriously and excruciatingly **her**. What made the pain worse, was that, in order for Shepard’s conduct to shock him as it did, some part of him must have known this all along.

Second, he still cared. _God,_ did he care. To see her like this… defeated, disenchanted… _hopeless_ … it fucking **hurt—** in ways he hadn’t thought there was room for. And that pain threw his feelings into such sharp relief that he could barely breathe. Kaidan had never stopped loving _his_ Shepard— not that she could ever be ‘owned’ by anyone. When she had reappeared, he’d been unable to accept her impossible return, or the circumstances surrounding it —but now that he was _sure_ , certain beyond any hesitation, that this was the woman he had loved, and _still_ loved…

Which lead him to his third revelation: he had fucked up beyond belief.

But as much as that pained him— and Christ, it _did_ — it didn’t matter, because Shepard was in pain too. She’d given up, she was folding in on herself, fading before the eyes of anyone who bothered to look— and that was all that was important.

——————

Which was how Kaidan Alenko found himself in Anderson’s office late that afternoon. The trial had ended for the day a few hours earlier and he had waited as long as he could to see the him, knowing he should wait until the end of the day, but it hadn’t worked out like that.

They sat in silence, Anderson’s eyes sad and uncertain, as though wondering how they’d gotten to this point.

“Anderson…” Kaidan tried again, voice pleading without pretense. “Just let me try. I have to try.”

As Anderson continued to stare, Kaidan’s heart pounded in his chest. Then at last—

“Okay.”

 

 

++++++++++++++++++++

Two chapters in the first upload.   
I feel like this one might have dragged a bit and I need need to cut half my sentences down by 50%. Oh, and stop using italics ALL the time.   
Anyway, I tried.

++++++++++++++++++++


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard’s seeming bodyguard reviewed the visitor’s permit from Anderson and evidently found no problem with it, though he seemed surprised.

“She hasn’t had any visitors besides Admiral Anderson.” Said the Lieutenant, handing back the permit.

“None?” Kaidan said, with a stab of guilt. He knew that he almost certainly wouldn’t have been allowed access, but he could have tried.

“Nope, not that I could have let them in anyway.” The younger marine said with a frown. Kaidan noted, with some relief, that Shepard had clearly had someone decent looking out for her. He motioned for Kaidan to follow him towards the door, pausing before he entered the access code.

“She’s a bit…” he trailed off with a sigh.

“I know,” said Kaidan, with an exhale of his own.

“Just… y’know, remember that.”

—————

The last of the day’s light bathed the, surprisingly spacious, quarters in a warm glow. The large open plan room combined a living space, work out area and a kitchen. What seemed to be a bedroom lay through a door to his right, presumably with a bathroom beyond.

Leaning up against the large windows, facing away from him was a silhouette he’d know anywhere. His breath caught in his throat, his head spinning for a second. She must have heard his entrance because, though she continued to stare out over the Vancouver skyline, she spoke— the same dejected tone coloured her words.

“Anderson, I was planning an early night.”

He braced his voice lest it betray his emotion.

“Shepard,”

_Not her first name. Not after so long, even though he felt the same way._

Her figure tensed for a second before she slowly turned; so unlike the quick, confident movements he remembered.

“Kaidan…” she breathed, and for a second, _a second_ , he almost expected her to race to him with open arms. But instead, her body grew rigid again and she folded her arms defensively. “Why are you here?” her voice was steel, the tone she used when faced down her enemies, right before she blew them to Hell.

“I…” He really should have planned this more. “I was at the hearing… I wanted to see you… to see how you are.”

Shepard’s eyes flashed.

“I think you forfeited the right to ask how I am, _Commander_.” She all but spat at him, clearly unaware of his promotion— he was in civvies after all.

_Probably not the time to update her_.

“Shepard, I…”

“Actually got anything to say Alenko?” _‘Kaidan’_ had clearly been tossed aside, yielding an internal wince. “More names perhaps? I think you pretty much covered it last time though. Thought of some fresh ones?”

“No, Shepard I’m—”

“I hear you’re testifying at the trial. You gonna give a full account of how I betrayed the Alliance?” She didn’t mention that he’d also accused her of betraying _him_.

“I’m a character witness for your defense actually,” Kaidan’s voice grew a little stronger, provoked by her words that hurt him, though he’d more than earned them. “No one told you?”

Shepard was clearly surprised, her eyes dropped to the floor and her next words were marginally quieter.

“I haven’t been particularly involved in my defense.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

That jerked her eyes back to his, flaring once more.

“Again, I don’t think you really have the right to concern yourself with that anymore.”

“Well I do!” he hadn’t intended to shout. The words hung in the air for a moment, pregnant with further significance— at least to him. He brought his volume down. “I _do_ Shepard… _what are you doing?_ ” he implored.

Shepard paced a little towards the window.

“Exercising free will— **for once**.” She said bitterly. “I’ve had enough. I’m _done_ — I _quit!”_ It was twisted, but some part of Kaidan was relieved by this new fire— something other than the hollowness of before. But her quieter next utterance brought a fresh jolt of pain. “I couldn’t even _fucking die_ in peace.” Now _that_ twisted the knife in his gut.

“This **isn’t you**.”

“Oh no, it’s _exactly_ me.” Shepard said bitterly. “You’re the one who’s so sure that I’m a Cerberus clone— or brainwashed— _remember_? So why shouldn’t I be different?”

“I was WRONG.” Admitting aloud for the first time since his realisation made it all the more certain in his mind. Shepard turned back to him, but her expression was no softer. “You have to stop this! Defend yourself— so _something_. Will you please just hear me out?”

“You have nothing to say that I want to hear. I think you should leave.”

“Shepard—” there was definite desperation now as he started towards her.

“I said **get out!** ”

Kaidan heard the door open behind him, followed by the guard’s stern voice, drawn by the shouting.

“Time to go.” _‘Defensive’_ didn’t cover the lieutenant’s tone.

“Shepard—” he tried again, but she just stalked away to her bedroom, crashing the door behind her. That was enough for him, more than he could stand. Without another word, or even a glance at the burly marine, Kaidan stormed out of the apartment, not stopping and barely breathing— or so it felt— until he had reached his own dwelling.He felt like he was bleeding out through his stomach. Once he’d slammed the door, safe in the privacy of the sorry excuse for his own home, he let out an unconscious, uncontrolled pulse of biotic energy— the first time he’d lost control like that in years. Not content with multiple pieces of decimated furniture, he pounded a fist into the wall, leaving a dent and tearing the skin on his knuckles— though he barely noticed.

**“ _Fuck, fuck fuck_** _.”_ He said through gritted teeth, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

_What the hell am I going to do now?_

———————

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, this is a minefield of feelings.


	3. Chapter 3

“Major Alenko,” started the prosecution representative “You first met Commander Shepard when you were both assigned to the SSV Normandy SR1 under the command of the, then, Captain Anderson- correct?”

“Yes,” Kaidan replied, trying hard not to fidget in his seat under the gaze of the hearing’s entire audience- except Shepard, who stared at the floor as she had done since the start.

“And you continued to serve with Shepard after she assumed command of the ship?”

“Yes,”

“Remaining there through the pursuit of the rogue Spectre, Saren?”

“Yes,”

_Am I actually going to get to say more than one word at a time?_

“When did you cease to serve under her?”

“When the SR1 was destroyed by a Collector vessel.”

“During which the Commander disappeared.”

“During which she was _killed_ whilst saving a crew member.” Kaidan insisted with a frown.

“So you believe the defendant’s claims that she was somehow… _resurrected_?” the prosecutor waved dismissively.

“ **Yes** ,”

“And how would you explain that?”

“I doubt that anyone outside of Cerberus has any real idea of what they are capable of.”

“Ah yes, Cerberus… what was your initial reaction to Shepard’s involvement with the terrorist group?”

Kaidan shifted, despite himself.

“My _initial_ reaction was shock, but-”

“Because of the atrocities the group has been responsible for?”

“Because she was **_alive_**.” Kaidan tried hard to keep his voice calm.

“And her Cerberus membership?”

“She wasn’t a _member_. Shepard acted to defend human colonies.”

“Against the supposed _‘Reaper Threat_ ’?”

“ ** _Yes_.” **

“If you have such faith in Shepard’s claims, why did you remain with the Alliance instead of joining her in her _noble fight_?”

_Because I’m an idiot who can’t see what’s right in front of him._

“Objection” called Shepard’s defense representative, to his immense relief. “This is irrelevant.”

“No further questions.”

————————

“Major Alenko, you’ve now served the Alliance for almost a decade, is that correct?”

“Yes,”

“And, in that time, you’ve established a impressive record and numerous commendations, with several promotions and recent years.”

Kaidan said nothing, unable to endorse praise he didn’t feel he’d earned. Thankfully, she continued.

“It’s clear that you’re a prime example of an Alliance marine.”

“Objection- where is this going?”

“I’m establishing that the Major’s assessment of the defendant’s character carries weight.”

Mercifully, the point was allowed and she promptly continued.

“Would you say that you came to know Shepard well during your time on the SR1?”

_You have no idea._

“Yes I would.”

“And how would you describe her?”

Kaidan took a breath.

“The best soldier I’ve had the privilege to serve with.”

“Shepard’s record speaks for itself,” she said with a slight smile. “How would you describe her on a more personal level?” A part of Kaidan began to worry that the truth about their relationship had been discovered, but this _was_ her defense after all. He pushed it aside.

“Dedicated, fair, intelligent, compassionate…” He didn’t mention her beauty, the dry wit and sarcasm that gave way to goofy smiles, the sultry way her eyes glinted in private moments, the feel of her lips on his neck… “Shepard always went out of her way for her crew” he continued quickly. “She’s an expert combatant, but if there’s a peaceful way to resolve a situation she’ll find it, when no one else would be able to. There were multiple situations on the SR1 where any other officer would have taken the easy route and gone in guns blazing, but Shepard found a non-violent way.”

“So it’s fair to say that you respect her?”

“Yes.” His gaze slipped to Shepard for the first time since his testimony had begun and found her looking at him, eyes finally pulled from the floor. The anger of the previous night was absent, but she looked away before he could gage what had replaced it.

“So- based on your experiences with her and your judgment as a decorated marine- what do make of the allegations against Commander Shepard?”

Kaidan paused, desperate not to stumble over such important words.

“Shepard has proven her dedication to the Alliance-and to Galactic Peace- countless times. She’s saved the Galaxy _twice_. I can see how this may look bad-” There was a quiet snort of derision from the prosecution. “-but I know that no one else could have come close to handling the situation she was in… or made the calls she was _forced_ to make because no one else would- or could. I know that Shepard acted in the defense of those who couldn’t defend themselves.”

The defense representative smiled a little at him.

“Thank you Major Alenko, that will be all.”

———————————————

The hearing ended for the day an hour or so after he left the stand. Shepard’s head had hung, if possible, even lower than before after the brief period she had watched him. The axe was due to fall the next day in the final stage of the trial. Kaidan didn’t think for a second that the Alliance would turn Shepard over to Hegemony, but beyond that… he wasn’t so sure what would happen.

He was approaching her quarters once again; though Anderson had provided access, Kaidan doubted Shepard would want to see him. But he’d spent so long _not_ trying- and, for all he knew, he wouldn’t even be able to do _that_ after the impending verdict.

The Lieutenant/bodyguard had also been at the hearing that day; he’d been called to testify regarding her behaviour during her incarceration. According to him, she’d been no trouble whatsoever- that certainly didn’t sound like her, but whether Vega was glossing over the facts or Shepard truly had slipped that far into herself, Kaidan didn’t know.

He could only assume that his account of Shepard’s character had endeared him somewhat to the lieutenant, because the hulking hostility of the night before had been replaced with a sad sort of wariness.

“Major,” he nodded, before shooting a quick halfhearted salute. Kaidan returned the nod grimly.

“How is she?”

Vega exhaled slowly.

“Hard to say…” he sighed, glancing at the sealed door behind him. “She’s not angry anymore if that’s what you mean.But she wasn’t angry before you showed up last time either.”

Kaidan stifled a wince; at any other time, words like that from a subordinate would have been grounds for a sharp dressing down, but he knew he’d earned it.

“I didn’t… It’s complicated…” Kaidan trailed off.

“Always is with Shepard,”

Kaidan said nothing- he’d expected anger from the lieutenant, not this apparent olive branch. He must have been silent for a while, because Vega cleared his throat and gestured to the pass in Kaidan’s hand. He handed it over, beginning to panic about what he was going to say to Shepard.

The lieutenant handed the OSD back to him.

“Good luck Major,” something in his tone seemed to implore sensitivity; it seemed Shepard had not lost her effortless ability to draw the loyalty of those around her.

“Thanks,” he muttered, taking a deep breath before knocking.

 _Here we go_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure how this went.  
> I know bugger all about military hearings- or even regular trials. So, yeah, you'll have to forgive all of that I'm afraid.  
> One more (probably seriously emotional) chapter to follow. Hope this was tolerable! Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being three times the size of the others...

“Come in,”

The voice that called him inside was barely loud enough for him to hear. His eyes quickly found Shepard,once again leaning against the windows. With her N7 hoodie wrapped around her, it was almost as though she had stepped out of his memories, or the dreams that had haunted him. She insisted that she favoured it because it was soft and comfortable— **not** because it was an easy way to proclaim: _“I’m the biggest badass you’ll ever meet sweetheart, so you better fucking watch yourself”._ On the last day of the shore leave they’d spent together, as they packed their bags, she’d torn their hotel room apart, unable to find it. Once he’d persuaded her to sit still, he conducted a more methodical search and soon found the hoodie behind a curtain. Shepard’s smile had been so grateful, so _earnest_ , that he’d been helpless to resist when she yanked him down onto the bed beside her— joy replaced by mischief as she crawled up his body.

They’d missed their checkout time.

But of course this couldn’t be _the_ _same_ hoodie— it must be a replacement. The one Kaidan had known so intimately would have been lost with the SR1… along with so much else.

“Kaidan,” his name, softly spoken, drew him out of his reverie. Shepard had moved a little closer; her arms were folded loosely and her whole frame screamed of uncertainty, as though she would dart away if spooked. This was different from before, but still so far from the woman he’d known— no, the woman he _knew_.

He moved a little closer, cautious of startling her into retreat. His mouth fell open as words floundered in his mind, fighting to be declared the least hopelessly inadequate. Maybe the silence became just too awkward, or maybe Shepard took pity on him— for whatever reason, she spoke whilst Kaidan continued to blunder wordlessly.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, looking down at her feet. Kaidan’s mouth closed, only to drop open again. Shepard hurriedly continued in a faux—casual tone, as though she wanted to stop her thanks hanging between them. “—for what you said at the hearing, I mean.” Shepard met his eyes for a fraction of a second and he found vulnerability behind her affected nonchalance. “It was very decent of you.”

_Decent?_

“I meant it.” He finally blurted. Shepard brought her eyes back to his face. “I meant all of it— _more_ than all of it. I—” sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from her unsure stare. “God, Shepard… I don’t…”

“Kaidan—” Shepard raised one hand a little and took a step backwards.

“No, Shepard— please… I… I’ve been such an idiot—” the words tumbled out incoherently. “—and I don’t expect it to make any difference now that I’ve been so… but Shep I… I need you to know I’m sorry— even if you don’t believe me— because why would you now that I’ve been such an ass?… but… God Shep I’m _so fucking sorry_.” He fought against his voice as it started to waver. Shepard was staring now, her eyes wide and unreadable, but she said nothing so Kaidan continued his desperate speech. “I just… Seeing you like this… I can’t begin to fathom the things you have weighing on you… the things you’ve been through,” Shepard visibly tensed for a second, sending a fresh ripple of pain to his gut. “But the thought that my… that the way _I was_ might have made that even worse… I can’t…”

“ _Might?”_ Shepard spoke sharply at last, a brief flash of something passing across her features. “How the Hell could it not? I did nothing but think about you from the _second_ I woke up in that place, alone and scared and… and then when I **_finally_** found you it was even fucking worse—”

Kaidan felt his head begin to spin under the weight of her words.

“I feel **sick** even thinking about the things I said Shepard—” he moved closer, but she simply refreshed the distance.

“So what, this is about clearing your conscience?” she almost spat, leaving him winded.

“What?… _No._ **God, no!** ” he insisted, restraining the urge to move towards her again. “I can’t bear to see you like this… Horizon—” he had to steady himself at the name of that damn backwater. “Horizon… was such a **fucking disaster** — _I_ was such a disaster… I always was until you— and then losing you,” Kaidan’s voice broke a little at last. Shepard seemed to be willing to let him say his piece, tightening her arms around herself. “I didn’t think I was going to make it— I didn’t **want** to make it. I came _so close_ to, to… but somehow I didn’t… and it was still so hard— I was barely functioning, I barely remembered to feed myself… and then I finally got into this… this _numbness_ , this emptiness where I could just about work.” He paused, shutting his eyes against the tears he felt forming, opening them at last to meet Shepard’s, which had grown softer, if not warmer. “When the rumours started… I didn’t think for a second that they were true— I **couldn’t** , because if they were then that meant that I could have done more after you… after Alchera. That meant that not only did I leave you to… to _die_ on the Normandy, I’d also given up and accepted you were dead when someone else did more. Someone else carried on… and I abandoned you twice over. And Cerberus…” Shepard’s lips parted slightly, but he hurried on, eager to explain “I know I was wrong now. I was _so fucking wrong_ about so much. But the idea of you working with them seemed too absurd to even consider it was true. After Toombs and Kahoku… I just didn’t think for a second that any of the stories could be true, but they still hurt… God, they hurt— so I ignored the vids and the reports… maybe if I hadn’t I would have been more prepared…

“But then seeing you… you were so _there_ and so… _you_. I just lost it. And God, I’m so ashamed. My mind just short circuited… all that crap I had— and all the stuff I thought I’d beaten into submission over two years, it all hit me again in an instant. I couldn’t— I just couldn’t. It was ground zero all over again… I thought I was losing my mind Shep… because everything told me it _couldn’t_ be you, but everything told me it **was…** So I lost it…” his voiced dropped to a hoarse whisper. “— _I lost control…_ And I didn’t have a way out… so I guess I _made_ one— as fast as I could without thinking— in the worst possible, most mindlessly awful way… one colossal explosion of uncontrolled **_shit_.” ** Kaidanbrought a shaky hand to his damp eyes, long past trying to level his voice. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t strong enough Shep. Maybe I never was… Even before… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… I can’t even begin to— and I know it doesn’t change anything… but God, I’d do anything to change it… to not be _so fucking weak_ —” he barely contained a sob, but the next one turned to a sharp intake of breath when he felt cool fingers lightly moving his hand from his eyes.

“Kaidan,” Shepard didn’t look angry as she brought his hand back down to his side. Kaidan was certain that he’d fall into those mesmeric eyes, so wide and bright with more emotion than he could hope to register in his current state. “Kaidan, you’re not…” Shepard whispered— and, as she continued to stare, Kaidan saw moisture starting to gather.

“ _I left you on the ship to die_.” He croaked, very aware that their hands remained ever so lightly touching. “ _I should have stayed._ ”

“You couldn’t have done anything,” her words were faint, as though she slipping back into the memory. “And I gave you an order—”

“I should have DISOBEYED.” He cursed himself when Shepard jumped a little at his raised tone. “There might have been something—” with effort, he brought his volume back down. “— and if not then at least I would have been with you when— _when you_ —”

“Kaidan, I—”

Shepard’s eyes shone with the promise of tears as she stepped forward, raising a hand to his face but snapping it away at the last second and leaving a fresh ache in its place. She turned back to the window and took a couple of paces, one hand clenched at her side and the other tangled in her hair. Kaidan just watched, confused and strangely exhausted.

“Jesus, Kaidan… I…” still facing away, Shepard pushed her hair from her face. “I **_hated_** you after Horizon.”

He wanted to respond, but what could he say? Shepard had let him speak, he owed her so much more than to simply allow her the same. But it was a start. Eventually she spoke again, voice trembling a little, but strangely assured.

“I was so scared when I woke up… it was all so quick… One second I was screaming in space— thinking of nothing but **YOU** by the way—” her aside was venomous, but more than earned “— and then I was there on that table… alone and confused and…” Shepard sighed and her entire form seemed to deflate. “—it was so quick. It wasn’t two years, it was seconds. I couldn’t take any of it in… dying… _Cerberus_ … I just kept thinking that I had to find you… and no one would help me… _even Anderson_ refused to tell me anything at all… I _tried_ Kaidan. I tried so hard to find you. I guess it didn’t look that way to you, but I did… and then we got the tip off about Horizon… when he said— when _The Illusive Bastard_ casually mentioned that _you_ were there… I should have known right then that it was a setup, but I was so…” Shepard wrapped her arms back around herself and paused. “… When we hit the ground, I tore through that damn colony. I hadn’t fought like that since before I woke up… I just needed to find you— because if the Collectors had— had _taken_ you… but they didn’t get you, and— Oh God, when I saw you there, for a second I thought that maybe things would be okay…” she let out a short, bitter laugh. “Pretty fucking naive right? You’d think _dying_ would impart a little more realism.”

It was more than Kaidan could bear; he stepped towards Shepard who spun to face him with a hand outstretched to halt him.

“I see it now.” Shepard lowered her arm, shaking her head a little as she spoke. Her face was damp with tears. “I see… I see how it must have looked. In your situation maybe I— And I should have thought about that more— about all of it… I should have tried harder to explain, stopped your from walking away… But… God, the stuff you said…”

“I was a wreck Shepard,” he insisted desperately “I didn’t think— I _couldn’t_ think— I didn’t mean—”

“ _But you still said it._ ” Shepard ground the words out slowly, each one of them a suckerpunch. Kaidan nodded pathetically, watching her sigh before continuing. “It **hurt** , Kaidan. It hurt so fucking much. It was… it was like getting spaced all over again. Except it didn’t end… it just carried on and on— and there was no end to it because _I’m_ Commander Shepard and _I_ had to save this shit hole of a galaxy— **again—** regardless of whether it wants, or _deserves_ to be saved.”

“You don’t mean that Shepard.” He said quietly.

_The Galaxy **doesn’t** deserve her. She’s given so much._

“Maybe I do!” her voice rose to a shout for the first time before she let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know what I mean.” Shepard said, rubbing her eyes. “I’m so sick of being like this.”

“Let me help Shepard,” he implored. “Let me try.”

“And how exactly are you going to do that?” the manic glint in her eyes unsettled him further. “Oh, and what the _fuck_ was that email by the way?”

Kaidan grimaced, yet another star item in the catalog of his regrets regarding Shepard.

“That was…” Words failed him. He remembered exactly what he wrote— every mortifying word of it. “I know I sound like a broken record,” he sighed. “But I was such a wreck. I’d just been to see Anderson… had a massive argument with him… I wasn’t sleeping… I was drinking too much… it doesn’t excuse any of it but…” Another sigh. “I drafted a million emails trying to explain it… _apologise_ for… well, everything. But you didn’t reply so I—” Shepard raised an eyebrow. “—not that I blame you!” he added hurriedly. “I didn’t deserve a response. Not after I’d been so… I fucked up. _I_ was fucked up.”

“I really wanted to keep hating you.” Shepard ran her hand through her hair again. “Joker offered to run you down with the new Thanix Cannon.” A sad sort of smile tugged at her lips.

“Oh,” That wasn’t particularly surprising. All of Shepard’s crew were fiercely loyal, but Joker more than most. He and Kaidan had been close once, but after Alchera… “Well I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d taken him up on it.”

“I do understand that it…” Shepard trailed off. “I _wante_ d to keep hating you. But I couldn’t. When I thought about it… I don’t know what I would have done if you’d died in the attack and I’d survived. Thinking the Collectors had taken you on Horizon was bad enough. Seeing me like that… from nowhere, back from the dead, stitched together and glowing—” Kaidan winced. “—and with Cerberus. I could have done more to explain. And two years is a long time. I would never have wanted you to stay alone. Of course I would have wanted you to move on. Expecting you to still— expecting everything to be to the same was absurd.”

_Why the hell did I have to mention the doctor?_

“I never moved on.” He said quickly, dignity long since abandoned. “I tried to but… I guess I didn’t _want_ to. I had one date— just one— to shut my friends up. She was… she was fine. But she wasn’t you. And I knew that no one ever could be.” He forced a shy smile. “You’re not so easy to get over.”

“Yeah well,” Shepard _almost_ returned the smile as she took a step closer. “Neither are you.”

“Then don’t.” He let it slip before he could think.

“Kaidan…” Shepard looked away. With a stab of guilt, Kaidan spotted fresh tears forming. Yet more that he was responsible for.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He said softly, closing the distance between them and tentatively laid a hand on her shoulder.

“It’s not that I…” she looked at his hand for a while, then met his eyes again. The tears remained. “It’s just… I’m so _tired,_ Kaidan. It all feels so…” the words morphed into a sob as they left her, dragging a tear with them. “I don’t think I can do it.”

Before he could stop himself he brought his other hand to her cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb. Relief washed over him when she leaned ever so slightly into the touch. The look in her eyes as she stared up at him, so earnest and yet so hopeless, threatened to steal his breath.

“I know Shep,” he murmured with a slight croak. “Let me help. Let me try.”

Shepard nodded, then shook her head.

“I don’t know how you can.” He words were a whisper.

“Um,”

Startled by the voice from behind them, they hurriedly broke away from each other, spinning round to find Lieutenant Vega sheepishly peering around the door.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said awkwardly. “But I’ve had a message from Hackett— he’ll be here in five.”

“Thank you Lieutenant.” Said Shepard, clearing her throat. Vega nodded as he left.

Shepard wiped away her tears.

“I guess you should…”

“Yeah,” he sighed. _God,_ he wanted to kiss her. But he knew that would be far too much. He took her hand in his instead, relieved when she didn’t take it away. “I don’t know if they’ll let me after tomorrow,” he started hesitantly. “But if I can get through, can I come back?”

Warmth spread through his heart when gave a small, but genuine, smile and nodded.

“I’d like that.” She answered with a sniff. “Although I might be locked up properly by this time tomorrow.”

Kaidan shook his head.

“Hackett won’t let that happen Shep.” She nodded, though he knew she wasn’t convinced. “Speaking of Hackett…” He glanced back at the door.

“Yeah,” she gave his hand a little squeeze and he couldn’t help but smile.

_Oh fuck it._

Before he could overthink it, he moved closer to lightly press a tentative kiss to her cheek, drinking in her scent. He heard a faint gasp as his lips met her skin. When he pulled back, her smile had grown. They watched each other for a while, until—

“Uh, Major?”

Shepard’s bodyguard had reappeared.

“Yeah, okay.”He sighed, taking one last look before following. “Take care Commander.” He smiled.

“You too.”

Kaidan glanced back as he reached the door, tingling with something close to, but without the audacity of, hope. The fading sunlight rendered Shepard a silhouette against the windows. He couldn’t see her expression, but a quiet part of his mind insisted that somehow, despite everything it would be a little brighter than before.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure how this fic went- but I really wanted to get it finished for Shepard's birthday.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who has read it, especially everyone who commented/reviewed. You really made a huge difference, so I hope this ending is vaguely satisfying. I tried to stop it getting too OTT, but I may have failed there. Or I may have gone too far the other way.
> 
> Gah, I've never claimed to be Hemmingway.
> 
> Thank you again.


End file.
